Over the years I have grown quite a reputation for being a pain in the ass. This is mostly because I don't give a rats ass about many things people seem to care about. Not in a horrible way though, more in an "I care not for your bullshit and expectations" kinda way.
I've been this way long as I remember. I was in maybe Year 2 and I got into an argument with a boy in my class. He told me girls couldn't be mechanics. I said other wise and that I was in fact was going to be a mechanic. It caused that much of a fuss the teacher had to get involved and sort it out. When I said I could be whatever I wanted and there was no such things as boy jobs, the teacher hugged me. Mrs Lacey squeezed me tight and told me I could be whatever I wanted when I grew up. See, from an early age I gave not a shit.
I've tried to fit in and be like everyone else with varying results over the years. I was quite tall at 16 and didn't look all that dissimilar to what I do now. Tall, broad shoulders and like a legitimate adult who wasn't backward about coming forward. This proved a problem when everyone considered hot at the time was thin, blonde, tanned and giggled a lot. My pale ass didn't stand a chance. So I starved my way into an eating disorder and it still didn't help me fit in. I was described once by a teacher as intimidating which I didn't understand at the time. Later I came to realize it was because for a girl of my age at the time I was very direct, and I didn't muck about. I had no time for playing games.
Not giving a rats ass becomes a problem when dealing with people. Sometimes they just expect you to take their garbage without so much as a bat of an eyelid. I'm supposed to take their shady comments and shitty behavior and play their game. Ah no. I give not a shit that you're poo pooing my parenting and house keeping. I work split shift, cook, clean and do most of the life admin. I don't have time to be Martha fucking Stewart text book Insta perfect parent. Our house looks lived in and you can tell we have kids but it's tidy. Deal or don't come here. I give not a shit when I'm in front of my sons principal giving them what for defending his right to have his educational needs met without their bullshit. I love that kid more than anything and I'll fight tooth and nail for him. I wont let anyone push me around when it come to his wellbeing. I also give not a shit if my intelligence, drive, talents or my ability to do anything upsets you. That is so far beyond not my problem it's hilarious.
I suppose all this not giving a shit comes down to what I value and the people in my life. I value my husband, kids, myself and my sanity. I value being a decent human being. Anything outside that can go jump. Sure I get upset when people say shitty things but I try not to stay bummed out for too long. I figure the comments from those judging or throwing shade have more to do with them than me. Its taken many years and a lot of tears to figure out and the times I do get a knock in self esteem, my husband is always around to remind me I have people in my life who love me. As someone much wiser than me said "Kick anyone out of your boat that's rowing the wrong fucking way". Don't confuse people who ground you with those who are dragging you down. Get people in your crew who lift you up, who help you soar.
Then there is my mother. She's my role model for not giving a shit, and she really DOES give no fucks. If you don't like her, she doesn't care. You don't like her life choices she's the Honey Badger (get on YouTube and find the video). She does what she thinks is best and has always encouraged me not to take anybody's shit. She will tell you if she thinks you're an asshole. I love my mother.
If all this makes me a difficult bitch so be it. I'm not here to live my life to make others comfortable. I'm here to live it for me, in service (but not as a slave) to the people I love, the best way I can. The only way I can do that is by being apologetically me me.