Oh God why do I have to be doing so well?!

I am a strange person. I have a lot of weird quirks and I have a lot of weird reactions to things. I am by and large quite terrified of failure which make me organise and plan like a crazy person. At the same time I’m just as freaked out by the prospect of succeeding. Yeah, read that again, I’m afraid of actually reaching my goals. So afraid that I will often sabotage myself so I can’t succeed.

Take my diet for example. I eat in moderation and I don’t discriminate. Chocolate is as fair game for me a salad and I don’t believe in cheat days. What I have noticed though is that I’ll bust my ass at the gym and be losing weight, feeling good and eating well then all of a sudden I’ll fall off the rails. The closer I come to looking like the picture I want to look like in my head the more likely it is that I’ll do myself in.

I think it has a lot to do with tall poppy syndrome. I’m frightened of being cut down by people for achieving  my  goals. Even worse being cut down by people I love. I was told a lot when I was in high school by the school councilor that it’s why I was teased and  made and fun of. Even as I grew into an adult it’s something I have heard a lot. I ask someone (I have posed this question to both professionals and non professionals) why someone seems to hate the fact I’m doing my thing or even breathing. The answer is always “you make them feel bad about themselves/jealous/inferior”. Now that is such a mind fuck for me because I can’t imagine not liking someone because they were doing better than me. I’m just doing my thing and I don’t mean to upset anyone. I start to feel bad for achieving and feeling proud of myself. I start to hide what I’m doing which is crazy because I have every right to be proud

I also think I’m afraid of succeeding because then I’d have go set another set of goals and I’d have to start the process again and if I never finish I don’t have to start over. However this means I never push myself beyond my comfort zone which is also pretty sad.

I know, I’m strange.

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