This week I was not ok. I was very not ok. Thursday night I hit the bottom, Friday night I sat there (hence no Fired up Friday this week) and Saturday night I cried. I cried and I cried and I cried.
That’s depression for you, well, me at least. It’s different for everyone.
This time I got irritated at everything. People shit me and I had no time for nonsense. I told one poor person exactly what I thought and I don’t think she was quite ready for that much truth. I couldn’t cope with people voicing sympathy. My clothes annoyed me. Everything clung to me or dug in. Things were too noisy or massive deals. Couldn’t the world see I was very not OK!?
Side bar – easiest way to piss me off when I’m depressed is to throw slogans and well meaning quotes/sayings at me. I will say when some people do it I don’t hate them so much for it but others I want to rain fire of a thousand suns. Its wierd but it’s like I get a different vibe from each comment which determines if I fire up or not. Anyway, I do accept hugs from time to time and the odd manly solidarity shove/shoulder pat from people who don’t hug. I also like pictures of things, gifs of tiny animals doing stuff and children laughing uncontrollably.
Back to depression.
Depression can also feel like walking underwater with a wet blanket. Your body feels heavy. Everything hurts. You’re tired and can’t get going. Even just sitting is hard work and grinding on is torture.
Do I know what triggered this bout (yes, triggered is the right word to use). Yes and no. Adam can tell you around about what time 2 weeks or so ago I went begerk. I can tell you roughly when I began to notice myself out of sorts. There is a slight difference in timeline simply because I’m always late to the ‘Casey’s having a meltdown’ party.
The other problem I have is that I’m a high functioning. I can still #adult and be bone crushingly depressed It’s not unless I’m right at the bottom you cant tell how fucked I am. On the outside I’m great. I go to work, the gym and in general do life. Except. Except sometimes I look a little more tired and I’ll say it’s the kids. I’m a little more irritated and I say I’m ok I’m just out of sorts. I’ll be a little less talkative and say I’m fine or be super busy so I don’t have to talk. I’m not ok. I’m being crushed slowly on the insides by my feelings. You can tell by the way I write I’m depressed but in person not so much.
Lastly what did I do about it? I went to my GP. I don’t have a treating psychologist or psychiatrist. Haven’t in years because before as I mentioned in previous posts I’m the mental health equivalent of a house plant. So I roll into my awesome GP who says “What do you need” and I proceed to tell him. He gave me what I asked for after a routine K10 or Kessler 10 (a mental health assessment that gauges where you’re at on the depression/anxiety scale). I came home and just sat.
Then the next day I did a bit more around the house and then cried myself to sleep which wasn’t nearly as distressing as it sounds. I needed the cry. Then today I got up to the news I was to set myself a budget and go buy some stuff we needed with a few goodies thrown in. I feel a bit better. I’m not there but I will be. I know how to deal with my brand of depression and I know the other side will be here soon.