I finished Wishful Drinking by Carrie Fisher last night. She talks a bit about being bipolar and having addicitons and stuff. I could relate to some of the stuff and less to other stuff. As I was reading it I wondered what it would be like not to have a mental illness anymore. Just to be ‘normal’ with an ordinary every day brain.
I have never not known a time where I felt ‘normal’. I always felt a bit different and like a bit of an outsider. I have never known a time where my brain wasn’t doing dumb shit. Telling me things that werent true, exaggerating stuff, or making me think my far out day dreams were possibly when they werent because no one ACTUALLY can becomes a princess ninja pirate. Not that it was the goal but you get the idea of my absurd brain shit.
Anywho I was wondering what it was like to be ‘normal’. To have a brain like everyone else. What would it be like to have a brain that gets tired and shuts down from time to time. it doesn’t go around and around on the same thing on a loop until there is a ‘solution’. I say ‘solution’ but there never really is as solution it’s just my brain going round and round and round on a hamster wheel until I’m a bit nutty. What it would be like not to have a brain that loves to overthink crap and spin an normal every day conversation into a ‘thing’ because I’m worrying I’ve said something to offend someone. A conversation that happened 6 years ago mind you not one I had yesterday.
I wonder what it would be like to not find yourself thinking you’re invincible. More energy and creativity than 1000 Shakesperes with text to speech after their fifth coffee. This time your brain isn’t stopping through not overthinking but because the ideas are coming in so thick and fast you can’t get them down. Not all of them making sense or being actual factual viable things you could persue. Being angry because the energy wont go and your body cant go any faster.
I wonder what it’s like not to sometimes feel like you’re invalid as a human. To not wonder why you should bother doing things for ourself because you’re a garbage person. That you don’t deserve the wonderful things you have – refer to garbage person storyline. I wonder what it’s like to just shrug stuff off and go ‘well fuck eh’ because its not that big a deal. What’s that feel like.
I wonder if it’s nice not to have to ride out a mood that you suspect is going to last a few weeks. it must be nice knowing exactly what is going to make you feel better rather than a miriad of things that usually mostly work but might not this time. I wonder what it’s like not to do that on a frequent basis. I wonder what it’s like not to think this hard about everything. Its gotts be nice not to have a brain that doesn’t constantly have a program running in the background.
I’ve seen it asked a lot of people with mental illness (particularly bipolar) if they could flick a switch and turn it off would they. I wouldn’t. For all the wondering and all the shit that pisses me off I wouldn’t change a thing. It helps me in some ways. I feel a lot of things which I think helps me understand people sometimes. I enjoy the creativity it brings that I’m not entirely sure would be there otherwise. I learn about a lot of things because my brain latches onto different things. Having the energy of a 1000 suns is sometimes handy because most weeks we have a lot to do.
I don’t know any other way to be other than like this and I’m not sure I’d 100% like it.