This week I bring you some parenting madness. One of the crazy ass shenanigans things that happens in this house. This week it involves, lego, a fishtank, poop and the groceries.
One morning I was up early blogging away on the laptop. It was quiet and I was enjoying a cup of coffee, River was playing quietly on the tablet. So far so good until the smell. All I could smell was shit. I looked over to River and asked her if she pooed, she said no which isnt unusal but as I get up I see it. A massive pile of steaming dog poo. Now the stupid part about this is I’d tried to let the dog out to the toilet about a million times but our dog wouldn’t go out. So, laptop goes away and I get to work on cleaning up turd mountain.
No sooner had I started cleaning up River took this as a clear sign to run amock and throw Lego in the fishtank. Not tiny child fist fulls either a fucking tupperware container full. The fish went from having a nice tank to living in Newcastle harbour. Poor Speedy is dodging Lego and the occasional stolen earring all the while I’m cleaning up dog poop and trying to get River to stop being a butt.
In the middle of all this a text comes from th grocery people. Their delivery driver is on their way with our stuff. Fuckin great. So I’m on the last leg of Poop Patrol spraying the carpet with anti stink spray. Right that’s done and I’m onto the small child befouling the fishtank. Now like most toddlers Rivers least favorite word is no and because he communication isn’t great she lets you know her displeasure by yellling and squealing. So I have a loungeroom faintly smelling of shit and I’m grappling a squealing child because I dared tell her no she couldn’t dump a container of Lego in the fishtank. All the while trying to help poor Speedy out cleaning the tank out.
Then the knock at the back door. It’s the grocery dude. Awesome. Leave small squealing person flailing on the floor while I put the cat in the bathroom so he can’t get out (Megladon is an inside cat). Let the grocery man in. Ok, on the home straight until River decided she’s had enough and bolts for the back door. The same door the poor grocery man in trying to get in and both the dog and now kid are trying to get out of. Fuck my life. I’m literally repeatedly catching River mid dash and carrying her back into the loungeroom screaming then and running back to help the guy unload. Repeat reps until failure.
Groceries get paid for, River is still having a tantrum until she gets the portable ATM reciept (she likes dockets and reciepts) and the poor shell shocked delivery man leaves. I’ve shooed Bubs away with lolly snakes so I can get the groceries away. Sorry no teachable life skill session now because I’m done by this point and I know Ads is about 10 mins away. I don’t even care about the lolly at 7am because I need 10 minutes of peace.
Yes people this was all before 7am.
This folks is my life.