So I’ve been depressed

The last few weeks has been crazy. NDIS stuff in and a life changing applications outstanding with no completion date in sight.

I’ve been going through a round of depression too and it sucks. Everyone is ok and I’m still doing my thing just very slowly (hence no new blog posts) and it’s annoying because I hate feeling like this. Mostly because I’m slow and have little motivation which is very much the opposite of what I’m normally likes. I’m high functioning too so shit still gets done just slower and takes longer.

1. This will not be fixed by exercise, fresh air or meditation. If that worked it would have worked before now. I don’t have the energy or motivation to peel myself off the lounge and put my gym gear on. Getting out of bed right now requires effort.

2. This will also not be fixed by herbal remedies.

3. This is a chemical thingy my brain is doing that I have to ride out. It’s not my first rodeo but I haven’t been here for a while. It sucks, it’s bullshit but doesn’t last. I know that and just have to keep slowly moving forward until my run is over. I can’t take anti depressants or it plays havoc with my bipolar.

4. Please for the love of all you hold dear do NOT say ‘this too shall pass’. It’s like saying ‘calm down’ to an angry person. No where in the history of the world has that helped anyone – especially me. It’s a red rag to a bull. People say it to try and be supportive but it’s sort of not helpful. It’s the ‘there there’ shoulder pat if mental health.

5. I don’t need a reason to be like this. Nope. Not one. I mean I have plenty of reasons but even if everything was fine I don’t need a reason to be depressed.

Why am I saying this? Maybe to shed some light on it. Depression isn’t laying lifeless in bed and sitting in your own filth crying. It CAN be but it isn’t always. Sometimes it a pile of washing you can’t bring yourself to touch feeling like scum of the earth. A messy lounge room. Sometime it’s standing at work desperately wanting to run away or just sink to the floor and cry. It can be wanting to stay away from people and actively pushing them away. It’s irritable anger and being an asshole even though you desperately want help. It can be not taking care of yourself.

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