On being married

Being married isn’t easy but apparently Adam and I make it look easy. We’re well suited. I joke that I have all the feelings and he has none. His strength are my weaknesses. We have disagreements and the times we fight are really rare. However it’s a lot more than that. In the last 11 years of being together we’ve been through our fair share. I mean everyone goes through rough spots but we’ve had more than our fair share. We’ve had family dramas, health issues, work shit, money hassles plus two gorgeous kids who just need a little more love in the middle of all it. So how exactly do we get through it all? What are the secrets?

Effort. You both have to try to make it work. When there are problems you don’t just go ‘la la la’ and stick your fingers in your ears and hope it goes away. You have to try and sort it out even if it involves some tense chats, tears (I’m a crier), and some texts (I write better than I speak). Even if you’re trying to do something you’re not real familiar with say, like, doing a bit more housework. Give it a go even if you’re sure you’re doing it wrong. Also, acknowledging someone has put in some effort even though they don’t do it how you would. I hate how Ads hangs towels horizontally and not vertically. Drives me batshit crazy but y’know what he’s pegged out the washing and it’s one less job I have to do. Ads hates the way I wash up but y’know I washed up rather than leaving it for him.

That leads into forgiveness. You can’t perpetually make someone pay for every time they mess up. I’m not talking about if they cheat on you or abuse you. Fuck that noise and get angry and don’t accept that. I mean if your other half forgets something or messes up getting angry and going back over everything they ever did wrong does NOT help. It’s like saying ‘calm down’ or ‘this too shall pass’. Never once in the history of Earth has this helped anyone. Bought the wrong brand of something? Unless it’s 100% vital to it’s function you deal. Home from drinks with friends late? They came home in one piece, happy and had a good time right? Can’t ask for much more. Forgot to text you ‘I love you’ or ‘good night’? You’ll survive because while it’s nice no text doesn’t mean they magically no longer love you. They could be asleep. Relax and STOP STALKING THEM ON SOCIAL MEDIA FOR CLUES. Don’t look at me like that. We both know…..

You also need love. That sounds obveous right? I mean real love not love you see on movies. I’m not talking about flowers, gifts and texts every day telling you how wonderful you are. I’m not talking about elaborate and expensive displays of affection. I’m talking about the kinda love that means taking care of someone when they are laid up with gastro flu plying them with Powerade, tissues and those crazy soft toilet wipes while they cry like a hot mess. I’m talking about the kinda love that means you sit in a hospital for hours reading books, looking for decent coffee and become a one woman comedy show putting shit on other people because your loved one is laid up having blood transfusions. It’s the kind of love that when as a couple you’ve been kicked in the guts AGAIN you pull yourselves up and say ‘we can do this’. Loving someone for who they really are not who you think they could be or who you want them to be. Loving them for all their failings and their strengths.

The last one is a bit of a wierd one. Team work. Holy crap I don’t know how we’d gotten this far without team work. Now to a lot of people they probably don’t see it. I’m making the appointments, doing house and life shit, cooking etc. However Ads is there doing the background jobs you don’t see. He’s the one who enforces the rules I make. He’s the money man and the driver. He keeps the house tidy and goes without sleep to care for River since she’s not at preschool. He is the calm one who’s job it is to talk me down from going all Cersei Lannister/ Sept of Balor on people. He’s pizza when I’m too tired to cook or BBQ because we feel like a treat (he makes amazing lamb fillet). It’s not like anything is really my job or his job, there is just things that need doing and we do them. Working together.

I’m not saying we’re perfect cause we aren’t. However being together 11 years and married for 6 means we’re doing something right.

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